One of the worst feelings of a breakup is to realize that in the end it was mostly your fault. Now if you hate your ex, I'm sure it doesn't matter who's fault it is. However, when you have reached a level of peace with your ex the feeling is hard to deal with.
For 2 weeks, I have been forced to look at my own actions and today seemed especially hard. Through my entire relationship, I focused so much energy on what HE did wrong and what HE needed to do to correct HIS screw ups and shortcomings. In 2 weeks, I realized I did a lot of messing up myself.
When it comes to making a mistake, the question always lies in whether you feel bad because you got caught or because you actually did something wrong. In this case, it is both. While I still believe I didn't behave poorly in some situations, when it comes to dating it is a guilt by association in regards to past relationships. Unfortunately, I learned that no real response is just as bad as responding with words that humor the inappropriate behavior. Make sense? Hope so....
*Plus it doesn't help when you don't remember the response, so you may be guilty anyways (just wanted to add to the confusion).
For the last week, I have smiled on the fact that my relationship would repair itself fairly quickly. Text messages and phone calls no different than when we were still in a relationship. However, today I realized maybe we were never happy, maybe we were only content. He tells me news as if our breakup was really just a front, as if he was over our relationship long before the titles "ex" were involved.
I wish I could say that I felt as confident about my relationship getting back together as I did yesterday. But today, I am forced to let the negativity consume me. I sit here and wish I could take away all my screw ups alone and pray that my relationship overcomes this, but for now I can only hear the laughter of my exes and his "groupies" flooding my ears. Right now, the laughs seem deafening.