So the time has come where the conversation about a second baby takes on a new tone of voice.
About a week ago, my husband told me he wants to have another kid now. Since he had had a couple of beers, I laughed it off thinking that it was the alcohol talking. Akeem quickly told me that he had been thinking about it since they were in the field the week before and that they were definitely sober then.
Suddenly, it was I that was having sobering thoughts. Over the course of our relationship, Akeem and I have talked about the number of kids we would have. I, personally, went through various emotions with having a second kid.
During my pregnancy, I thought maybe I could have three kids. Then that thought changed to having no more kids while I was in my 5 day stay in the hospital when I had Elliott. Once Elliott started becoming more curious about his surroundings, I started having baby fever.
However, my baby fever was quickly killed once I had a pregnancy scare 2 months ago. Akeem and I both let out a sigh of relief when the test was negative. So I was a little taken aback when Akeem mentioned having another baby soon over the course of a few days.
I am not one of those women who enjoyed pregnancy. In fact, some of my more trying days came over the course of those ten months. Between still dealing with the struggles of being in my first year of marriage, the death of both of my maternal grandparents, not being able to experience pregnancy with my close family and friends, and just the general misery that your body goes through.........I would say I don't associate pregnancy with happy thoughts.
Pregnancy was hard on my marriage. While the details aren't something I care to share, it is something that looms in the back of my mind about being pregnant a second time so soon. Often, I don't think men realize how much they are asking when it comes to having children.
My son is my world and I would give my life for him, but I would be lying if I said I was ready to bring a kid into this world a year ago. I never envisioned myself as a stay at home mom and while I cherish (most of) every moment with my son, at times I hate the feeling of the thought that my husband looks at me nothing more than just the mother to his second son and a stay at home mom.
It feels selfish at times, but the thought of having a second kid right now feels like a horse kicking me in the head. Because it is not my husband who will be stuck in the house with two babies under two and forgotten by friends and former coworkers, it will be me. Right now, one baby is enough. I want to focus myself, my marriage, and being a good mom to one child.....for now.
With my husband's 30th birthday just around the corner, I know that he feels more pressure than I do (there is almost 5 years between us). But with me not working, trying to get back in shape, a possible deployment around the corner, and a marriage only in it's second year.......I think we should take the time and just enjoy our little family.
After all is said and done, I do want another kid with Akeem. I can't wait to see him with a daughter, but I'll be happy with whatever we have. Though I will be refilling my birth control prescription tomorrow, I will say that the conversation has definitely had me reconsidering my timeline for a second child. Maybe baby number 2 won't be so far off in the future as I once planned. Guess we will see:-)