As I sit here on the eve of my 27th year, I feel an almost pain deep inside. A growing pain that often I tried to deny.
Who am I and where am I? At this point I feel I should know. Maybe I do and I have just refused to acknowledge the answer.
Why am I posting this? Why does this introduction sound like some depressing sob story? Tomorrow, I will be 27. Tomorrow begins a whole new year of my life. Tomorrow, I want to FINALLY apply the last 26 years of my life to an actual chapter of growth.
This past year, I spent a lot of time learning about my self. A friend of mine pointed out that outside of college, my period of self exploration was cut short due to me getting married young and having a kid not long after that. She was right.
The last 3 years have been interesting to say the least. Full of drama, tears, triumphs, failures and more. A time of just a crazy roller coaster ride. But this last year, with my husband gone for most of it, I had no choice but to face some of my worst thoughts alone. Unfortunately, what I learned about myself wasn't always applied to my growth.
When I got married, it was a rush. I was in a transition between settling back in Atlanta and trying to maintain my long distance relationship. When I graduated, I was somewhat lost when it came to my future. While I never pressured my husband to get married, I did want him to make a decison about a timeline to help me make a decision about our life and mine. I could explain the difference but I feel that would be a waste of effort.
I saw marriage as a chance for a change, a push even, to help me find myself. In retrospect, that was a horrible way of thinking. I live with no regrets getting married, because I love my husband. But as I become one year closer to 30, I have moments of wondering what if we had waited a year or what if I had done certain things differently in the first year of our marriage.
Too often, I play the "what if" game with myself. It is a terrible game to play, one I suggest against. But as I get on Facebook and even YouTube, I see the success of those around me and I think what am I doing with my life. I can't even maintain my blog or care enough to clean my house like it should be cleaned. I play the "what if" game without being driven enough to do something to change it.
So why am I sharing this with you? Because I need a final nail in the coffin for the past. To stop making excuses for why I don't do certain things. To look back at this post and realize I can change and that my life is far better than a pity myself moment.
They say you shouldn't regret anything in life because at one point that is what you wanted. I don't always agree with that saying because there are plenty of things I regret and I didn't exactly want them at the time. But I don't regret the life I have chosen to share with a man I love nor the life I have given to a little boy who makes me smile and crazy.
As I enter into my 27th year, I won't dwell on the opportunities I missed, the fights that were counterproductive, and the moments I can't change. 27 will be my year. I said 26 would be a year of learning and it was, but this year will be the year I fully apply my knowledge.
27 will be a year to remember.....