Saturday, July 4, 2015

Almost 30...

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
 
"What do you plan to do with your life?"
 
"Are you going to go back to school?"
 
"When are you going to have a second kid?"
 
 
When people ask me about my future, I cringe at the question much like I did when I was 18 and 22 right before graduation.  But now the questions have increased to more babies, house purchases, and even a few times more personal ones.
 
At 27 years old, the 30 year age mark grows brighter like the light at the end of my twenties tunnel.  A light that glows more of a hellish red than the soft white of hope.
 
Ten years ago, I was preparing for what I would hope to be a promising start to a college volleyball career.  However, that dream was killed after my spiteful and moronic coach decided to cut me due to the fact that she couldn't handle two of her strongest players being.....well, something she wasn't used to to say the least.
 
Five years ago, I met a guy who would change my life in ways that I never envisioned being in my future plans.  Soon, I was not only a college graduate trying to find a career.  I would soon become a mother an army wife who was even more confused about her future than ever.
 
Today, I sit before my computer caught between pride in the growing of sales for my little online store and annoyance with the current events of the last 24 hours of my life.  All while living in a place that many would consider paradise.
 
Despite the headache that comes with the never ending parade of questions about my future, I have decided to leave the future alone.  Sounds crazy for someone who just started a business, doesn't it? But I realized the future is too stressful to dwell on especially since I have often been shown that my plans for the future differ from those I envisioned.  The past is too depressing to think about and unproductive to living in the present.
 
22 years, I have spent my life living in such an unhappy place.  Trying so hard to make others happy, accepting, or even consider me as I am.  When I stopped trying to do that I spent the rest of the time not giving a fuck about anyone's feelings but my own and just felt an overwhelming sense of anger.  An anger that I still try to fight today.  I am sick of being unhappy.
 
So what is the purpose of this post? It is a declaration to myself and those who know me and care, that I will be happy and not dwell on where I am not at 27.  I plan to change for me and no one else.  Starting a business was my first step, so step back and watch me grow.
 
30 is coming faster than I would like, but I refuse to leave my twenties the same way I entered them. I refuse to let the future or anyone steal my happy.  While I love my husband and my son, there is something that can not compare to an internal sense of peace and self worth.  I am definitely on my way to getting there.





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