"I was drawn to all the wrong things: I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn't have a god, politics, ideas, ideals. I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being, and I accepted it. I didn't make for an interesting person. I didn't want to be interesting, it was too hard. What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone"
-Charles Bukowski on what depression feels like
Explaining depression to someone who has never dealt with it is like explaining rocket science to a toddler. There is a lot of meaningless expressions because they don't know which one is appropriate and a generic, "It will get better." But honestly, it doesn't get better, some just learn to manage it better than others.
When I was seventeen, I was sent to see a psychiatrist because my "teenage moodiness" was believed to be something more. What do you know, the doctor diagnosed me with depression. Unfortunately, after being tossed some pills, I never sought treatment again.
I spent most of my adult life thus far making destructive decisions just to keep my head above water. To this day, I still bare the physically reminders of some of those destructive decisions.
Last year was probably the worst year I had in awhile. It was the first time in years that the thought of suicide seemed like a rational thought process, despite my fears of hell and my son growing up without a mother keeping those thoughts at bay before.
Why am I sharing this? I mean outside of a very small circle of people, most don't know about my inner demons. It was sparked by a couple of things. A crippling need for a change in my life but I need to slowly rid myself of the weight that smothers my life. There is something therapeutic about venting and sometimes it is easier to vent to someone who doesn't know you and can't see the pain on your face as you struggle to confess.
I told myself that 2016 was going to be my year. 28 would finally be the year of my adulthood that I didn't look back on with disappointment. While the year is off to a bumpy start, I am trying really hard to fight the voices in my head that are telling me otherwise.
While I don't have a huge following, hope this helps people realize just because a person smiles doesn't mean they are happy and just because you don't understand what it means to be depressed doesn't mean that someone doesn't feel that way.
Depression has taken a lot of things away from me, but in my own silent way I fight it every day.
Until my next post......